Sadness is a key experience for all, including autistics

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

Lately, I’ve become all too familiar with sadness. It’s not just one of those fleeting feelings that come and go — it’s more like an unwanted houseguest that’s settled in for an extended stay. 

How do I know it’s sadness? I looked it up in the dictionary, and before I could even get a handle on sadness (thanks to the Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary), I had to check out what sorrow, distress, anxiety, and pain meant. Trust me, I’ve felt those emotions in the week.

Sadness, as the dictionary defines it, is about feeling unhappy or sorrowful. But it’s more than just a definition — it’s that heavy weight that surrounds you, making everything seem a bit duller and quieter. Despite this, I couldn’t help but reflect on how sadness and happiness are just two sides of the same coin.

I remember writing in June about how happiness is an illusion — a flaky emotion that never sticks around for long. You might find it in religion or faith, career or purpose, family or companionship, or whatever else you cling to for meaning, but here’s the thing: it’s always temporary.

Happiness has a way of slipping away just when you’re settling in, often leaving you with new challenges or the next thing to worry about. It’s the thrill of the chase and the rewards that define happiness, turning it into an ever-evolving game.

Science backs this up too. When we’re happy, our brains light up with dopamine, the feel-good chemical that makes everything seem rosy — at least for a while. But sadness? That’s a different story. Sadness slows us down, pulls us inward, and makes us reflect.

It’s not that one emotion is better than the other — they just do different jobs. Happiness pushes us forward, while sadness makes us pause and take stock of where we are.

Now, here’s where it gets a bit tricky for those of us on the autism spectrum. We feel the full range of emotions, just like anyone else, but recognising and expressing them? That’s a whole different ball game.

Take this past Wednesday, for example. I was so overwhelmed by sadness that I asked my editor if I could take the rest of the day off. But here’s the thing — what do you do when you take time off because you’re sad? Just sit and stew in it? That didn’t seem like the best idea, so I ended up cleaning my room instead.

There’s something oddly satisfying about scrubbing away at something, putting things in order, and making your space look fresh. For a moment, I felt better. But as soon as the cleaning was done, I went back to work, because sometimes, that’s just how it goes.

For autistic people, sadness can manifest in ways that might not be obvious to others. What looks like a sudden urge to clean or a need for solitude might be us trying to process what we’re feeling.

Research shows that we often express sadness through nonverbal cues or changes in our routines. It’s not that we’re indifferent or unfeeling; we just have our ways of dealing with things.

Understanding what others are feeling can also be a challenge. It’s not that we lack empathy — it’s more like we’re tuned into a different frequency.

A study in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders found that while autistic people do have empathy, it’s often expressed in ways that aren’t immediately obvious to allistics. So, it’s like we’re all watching the same film, but with different subtitles.

So, how do we deal with sadness? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer here. Coping with sadness when you’re autistic — or not — means finding what works for you.

Some people find comfort in sensory-friendly activities, like listening to calming music or engaging in repetitive tasks. For others, journaling can help when speaking feels impossible. Support systems are also crucial — whether it’s a friend, family member, or an online community, having someone who understands you can make a big difference.

Empathy involves looking beyond the surface and recognising that everyone experiences emotions differently. Kindness, too, is vital for human connections, helping us navigate sadness, happiness, and everything in between.

Sadness is a heavy emotion that we all encounter, including those of us on the autism spectrum. Yet, it’s a fundamental part of being human. By embracing the full range of emotions — both our own and others’ — we can connect more deeply and create a world where everyone feels understood, no matter how they express themselves.