Navigating the minefield of romance when you’re autistic

Dating is already a tricky business. Add autism into the mix, and suddenly you’re trying to play chess without a board. The rules are unclear, the pieces are all over the place, and half the time, you can’t even figure out where you are. 

I’ve had my fair share of awkward, confusing dates (no, I’m not a dating expert), but when you’re autistic, dating can feel like navigating a maze without a map.

Let’s be real: I haven’t exactly had a string of romantic relationships, but I’ve been on a few “dates” to know that dating with autism can be… interesting. There was this one date in 2020, right after the lockdown. 

I met someone at the mall (you know, the classic first date spot, right?). We’d been texting like we were about to run off into the sunset, but in person, it was a disaster. 

My sensory overload hit hard — I was so tired and overwhelmed by the noise and constant chatter that I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to catch a breather. 

But when I came back, I ended up leaving just a few minutes later. I felt completely drained and couldn’t continue. Not my proudest moment, but it taught me something important: dating someone who doesn’t understand autism can be really challenging.

So, let’s dive into the pros and cons of dating someone who doesn’t quite “get” autism. Spoiler: There are some benefits, but you’ll need a lot of patience (and maybe some earplugs).

The challenges

Let’s start with the hard stuff, shall we?

Communication woes

If you’re autistic, communicating your needs clearly and effectively can feel like trying to explain quantum physics to a toddler. Take that date I mentioned — when I tried to explain what a sensory meltdown was, he thought I was joking. 

Imagine trying to explain why the room full of people, the sudden light flickers, and the background music are all turning your brain into mush, and having your date laugh it off. 

You try to tell someone you’re overwhelmed or tired, and they look at you like you’re being melodramatic. It’s not that you want to be “difficult,” but autism isn’t always visible, and people sometimes don’t get it until you’ve explained it a thousand times.

But explaining autism isn’t an easy task either. You’re trying to share something incredibly personal in a way that doesn’t feel like a lecture but also gets your point across. It’s a fine line, and let me tell you — there are no easy answers. But when someone truly listens, it makes a world of difference.

Misinterpreted behaviours

Then, there are the moments where your behaviours get misinterpreted. For example, when I was in the university, there was this guy I really liked. Let’s call him Marcus (because he might read this, and I’m not about to out myself like that). 

Marcus and I liked each other a lot. I liked him so much that I started losing focus on my studies. That’s part of why I haven’t been in a relationship — fear. Fear of liking someone who doesn’t feel the same or being hurt. Ah, please, don’t move to me if you don’t like me. 😢

With Marcus, I couldn’t balance my emotions because I didn’t know I was autistic, so I had no coping strategies. I couldn’t afford to fail, so what did I do? I ran. 

If I had known I was autistic, I might have understood that my intense focus on him wasn’t “obsession,” but a result of how my brain works. Maybe I’d have approached it differently.

You see, autistic people can get hyper-focused on things that interest us, which can feel overwhelming to others. But back then, I didn’t know, so I avoided the situation entirely.

Or imagine being on a date and not making eye contact during dinner. It’s not that you’re not interested — you’re just trying to block out the flickering lights that are driving you crazy. But when your date interprets that as a lack of interest, things can get awkward quickly. It’s frustrating how something as simple as eye contact can be misunderstood, but unfortunately, it’s one of those things that happens.

The silver linings

Now, let’s lighten the mood, shall we? There are some unexpected benefits to dating someone who doesn’t fully understand autism (yet).

Fresh perspectives

The first silver lining? You gain a fresh perspective. A neurotypical partner can help you see things in a whole new light. I once had a talking stage with someone who believed spontaneity wasn’t always a bad thing. 

For me, though, spontaneity felt like a nightmare. Last-minute changes and unplanned events? My brain struggles to process that. But being with them, I started to realise that not all spontaneous activities are terrifying. Some are just mildly anxiety-inducing, which, believe it or not, is much easier to handle. But still, please don’t be spontaneous with everything! 

Growth opportunities

Then there’s the whole growth opportunity. Dating someone who doesn’t get autism can push you to articulate your needs in clearer ways. This wasn’t always easy for me. 

I’ve had friends try to “fix” my sensory issues (like they could just wave a magic wand and make them disappear), but the reality is, I don’t need fixing. What I need is understanding and respect for my boundaries. And learning to set those boundaries was one of the best personal growth moments I’ve had.

The delight of discovery

It’s surprisingly satisfying when someone is willing to learn about autism. I once met someone who didn’t know much about it, but after I mentioned it, they Googled it. I couldn’t help but feel a little proud when they started asking more questions and doing their research. 

It’s not about them becoming an expert; it’s about showing they care enough to understand. To me, that’s a keeper. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out between us. The truth is, I was the problem. 😂 Well, I was! Not anymore. I’m willing to give love a chance now. 😂

Making it work

Alright, now that we’ve covered the highs and lows, here are a few tips to make dating someone who doesn’t fully understand autism work:

1. Patience is key. Dating takes time and patience, and when you’re autistic, it takes a bit more of both. It’s like making a cup of tea — you can’t rush it, or it’ll be undrinkable. Both of you need to be patient as you learn about each other’s worlds.
   
2. Don’t sugarcoat your needs. The sooner you communicate your needs, the better. Be clear about your sensory triggers and what’s hard for you to process. This saves a lot of confusion later on.
   
3. Look for effort, not perfection. I once was in a talking stage with someone who didn’t understand what autistic burnout was but Googled “autism and relationships.” That’s the kind of effort you want — someone who’s willing to learn, not someone who thinks they have all the answers or think they can fix your burnout.
   
4. Know when to walk away. Sometimes, it’s not going to work. If they’re unwilling to learn, adapt, or respect your needs, it’s okay to walk away. I once had someone tell me I was “too complicated” — I returned the sentiment and called him “too lazy to Google-search a thing.” It’s a fair trade, if you ask me.

Wrapping it up

Here’s the deal: dating someone who doesn’t initially understand autism isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s all about their willingness to learn, adapt, and respect you for who you are — and for you to do the same, meeting in the middle to find common ground.

Sure, it’s tough at times — like trying to play Monopoly while someone’s busy playing Scrabble. But when it works, all the awkward moments, confusion, and misunderstandings are totally worth it.

What’s more, got a dating story where autism was a factor? Or maybe you’re trying to navigate a relationship with someone who’s learning about autism? I’d love to hear about it! 

Drop a comment below or tag me on social media. And if you know someone who could use a little insight on autism and relationships, feel free to share this post with them. After all, love isn’t always easy — but understanding each other is half the battle.